Dating and then becoming engaged to a man who has lost his wife, comes with challenges as well as blessings. It requires strength and confidence that I never knew I had in me. Some days are harder than others. Her birthday, their anniversary, Christmas, the day of her death, the kids birthdays, the date of her diagnosis, the first day of school, the day they learned to tie their shoes, the first time they got a perfect score on a math test. They are days we are all reminded that our initial life "plan" didn't turn out how we originally thought it would. At times I'm sad she's missing it. But then I realize that she has a better seat than any of us. 

She spent the last 3 weeks of her life struggling with pneumonia, after beating acute myeloid leukemia. Her death wasn't anything that was really expected at that time. The pneumonia came on hard and aggressive. Sam never left her side for three weeks. 

The survival rate for AML is 1 in 4. She died from complications of her leukemia but not from the cancer itself. She also died a few weeks before Christmas. I can still see the pain in her family's eyes every Christmas. I try to remember that this may always be a tough time for them and it doesn't mean they aren't happy or don't really care about me...... They just miss her. 

The boys were born on Sam's birthday. He tells the story about how Erika took him out to dinner for his special day and when they got home he threw in a movie and she yelled from upstairs that her water broke and it was time to have the babies. They were born before midnight Oct 20, 2009, on Sam's 39th birthday. Little did he or anyone know how special this birthday gift she gave him really was. When she died it was his reason to stay living and his purpose to go on without her. 

This past year I helped Sam throw the boys their 6th birthday. Someone even commented that instead of easing into this parenting role, I was being "thrown in the fire". That makes me laugh because it's kind of how I felt that day. 25 kids 25 adults, gifts, Dave and Busters, decorations, Star Wars cake and a whole lot of chaos. It was the first time I thought to myself, " ok, breathe, you've got this, and for as hard as this is there is no place you would rather be, so enjoy it". 

My life before these guys was 100 percent my own. No responsibilities besides a job and no one who really "needed" me. Now, my days start by getting back packs ready for school and making sure the boys have all the necessary things for their school day (snow pants, gloves, hat, boots, red folder, blue folder, snack, library book). Some days the kids would remind me that I forgot their snack, or their library book. I joked that I'm allowed some "mom" fails as I'm new at this. But this is also usually followed by God's grace. Jake or Ben reassuring me that I'm a great "mommy" and "our mom would be so proud of you" and "Katie, we love you so much". This is what I mean by the Lord making sure that if you are going to be "thrown in the fire" that he will give you guidance on how to not be burned. Thank you Jesus. 

So with that, I'm learning to be there for my soon to be husband on those special days. And step back if and when he needs to process those days. And never to question if he brought flowers to her grave on her birthday, or visited her on their wedding anniversary. Because those are things I'm taking on by marrying my "chapter 2". 

I'm excited to keep her memory alive in this house. The boys deserve that. And we can have our own love story without Sam having to forget his first chapter.

He is a different man because of what he went through. Because he realized how precious time and people are. And because he knows that in a minute everything can change. In in life all you really have is love and faith.  All the money in the world won't save us. So we focus on the here and now. 

We are where we are meant to be. right here and right now.....

And oh how blessed we all are. 

Until next time, 

Katie