A special birthday celebration…..

Grief…..it holds no boundaries.  There are no rules, no time limits, no judgments.  It is real and it is hard.  Losing a child, losing a spouse, losing a parent or a sister.  It is the one part of life that is constant and guaranteed, but I am learning that everyone grieves on their own conditions and with their own perimeters... on their own time.

This past Saturday was not only a part of memorial weekend, but it would have been Erika's 43rd birthday.  We knew that we were going to do something to celebrate her life with the boys, but we didn't have a plan. 
She was adopted from South Korea as a little girl.  She was abandoned on a doorstep.  
She was adopted by Mary and Jeff and was raised in a loving family in Alexandria, Mn.  She went on to be a successful student, physician's assistant, wife and mother.  She was a fighter from day one, and for that,  her life, (even though it was cut short) needs to be celebrated and remembered.

Sam and I had a feeling on Friday night that Erika's mom was struggling.  She missed her daughter, and she missed her grand babies. The boys had moved away from Alexandria a few years ago, and they don't get to see them as much as they used to.   The pain felt from the loss of their daughter, felt as real and raw today as it did three years ago.  Erika's parents, and her family wouldn't be able to celebrate her life WITH her ever again, but why couldn't we celebrate the woman she was anyway?   
So we had a last minute plan.  We packed our bags and our car and headed on 94 to Alexandria to surprise Mary (Erika's mom). With the help of Erika's dad, Jeff, we pulled it off.  What joy we saw in her eyes when she saw us(especially Ben and Jake).  I realize that those are the things that make grief tolerable.  They make that pain of loss just a little more bearable. Just when she thought that she and Jeff were alone and no one else felt the pain they were feeling (even if its been 3 years), we did.   Seeing Erika's two little boys, who hold parts of her, comforts what can no longer be seen in her physical body.  How beautiful, amazing and precious those little guys are to all who loved Erika.  

Before we left our house, the boys made homemade cards and we planned to buy balloons to release into heaven.  Ben and Jake meticulously wrote out wishes, and drew pictures in hopes that these letters would make it all the way to heaven and Erika would receive them.  Ben kept repeating "I just can't stop thinking about her on her birthday". "I miss her".   And that is a good thing.  It gives us time to talk about her.  She would be so proud that they are learning to read, write, color, spell.  She would be so glad that they are excited to keep her alive in this house, and we are too.

We purchased balloons that they could let go of at the grave.

And when we got to the grave, the rain was coming down.  It was symbolic in many ways.  Tears of sadness of a life cut short by an aggressive cancer that is still taking the lives of so many today.  A cancer that has a disappointing 25% survival rate. A reason that our work in fighting to find a cure for this disease isn't over.  A headstone with picture on it of a beautiful family torn apart by the violence of this awful disease.  And two little boys who look to a headstone, in a cemetery to find their mom.  To find some sort of comfort.  They look to the sky, hoping that the balloons that they release will make it to her.  That she will be happy and proud of them.

I gave them a moment to be a alone with her, and their thoughts.  I sat in the car just looking on.  There really are no words that can explain a little boy squatting next to his mom's grave on a rainy day…….a day that she would've turned 43 years young. Its sad and its wrong on so many levels. 

  Its a weird place to be in when you are looking out of a rainy car door window at YOUR future, grieving THEIR past. To look at a headstone that has my husband's name on it Oct 20, 1970-, where he is supposed to be buried by his first wife when he dies.  So many emotions, so many thoughts. 

 I pray about it, and I prayed about it on my run that morning before we left.  I was asking God to give me courage to let my new family and my loving husband celebrate the amazing mom and  wife she was.  Praying to God for an unselfish and giving heart.  Praying for the Lord to support me as I walk this journey with them throughout the years.  That these hard days are part of the process of "loving her family".  The hardest part of marrying a widowed man and being the mom to children of a deceased mom.  I was asking God for help to honor her and let them continue to love her,  knowing that it has no reflections on the feelings they have towards me.  I give God all the credit and praise for my strength in this situation.  Because she deserves to be remembered and celebrated.  She is the reason Sam knows how to unconditionally love with patience and understanding.  She is the reason I get to be a mom, and love two little boys.  

After the cemetery we ate cake, looked at old pictures and we listened to stories and conversed about her.  We didn't cry, we laughed.  Because we all know that for as hard as this is and has been for her family, we believe in a heaven and we believe in Jesus Christ.  We know that she is free of pain, and free of troubles.  That gives her family comfort.  We will keep honoring her and her memory. She is the woman who gave birth to Ben and Jake and fought like hell to be around to watch them grow up.  

Saturday was a special day in many ways.  When we left Alexandria, we know that life will move on until the next hard day.  That is how grief works.  And it may get easier over time, and it may not.  But we will continue to fight for her. We will continue to work to find and fund a cure for the cancer that killed her.  We will honor her in the boys lives.  With the help of amazing people in our lives and Jesus, we will move forward.  She would want that for her family.  I know that in my heart.

With Love,

Katie

Its my first mother's day!  Im officially a momma!  Although, most of you know,  I didn't become a mom the traditional way.  I didn't carry these boys for 9 months, I didn't go through the complete body change or the emotional swings.  I didn't feel my babies kicking inside of me, and I didn't go through the labor to have them……..She did.  She went into labor on Sam's birthday.  It was her greatest gift to him.

She struggled with infertility for years and was finally able to conceive through IVF.  Two beautiful, healthy little boys. 
She deserves to be remembered today.  After all, I wouldn't be a mom without her.  She was smart, kind and beautiful inside and out.  Her soul purpose in life was to be a mom and a wife.  It was taken from her far too soon and for that I grieve for her.  But we know where she is.  She loved Christ and she lived her life for him.  So we celebrate her today, tomorrow and everyday.  God bless you Erika and thank you.  

Mother's day…... This day can have so many meanings to so many people.  Some people are grieving the loss of their own mother.  Some people are grieving the loss of a child.  Some women are grieving their miscarriage or fertility problems and the child they are unable to have, or the baby they lost before it was born.  This day can exaggerate feelings of sadness and loneliness.  I have friends who have lost their mothers, friends who have lost their children and plenty of friends who have experienced a miscarriage.   I hope and pray that they can find peace today, knowing that their loved ones are in the arms of the Lord.  

This day used to be hard for me.  I dreaded it actually.  Sure, I was a Godmother and an aunt, and I had a mom, but it wasn't the same.  I longed for something more.  I wanted children of my own, I wanted a purpose.  I watched my friends walk through motherhood together, sharing stories and advice.   I was so jealous and my heart was full of pain from it.  At the same time I didn't want to show it or admit it to them.   I wanted to share in their happiness too, they deserved that.  I remember the years of hosting friend's baby showers, visiting their babies in the hospital (eventually their second babies), birthday parties, baptisms, and gender reveal parties. I hid the tears and pain for years because I felt like I was choosing to stay stuck in a life where I was letting someone else control my destiny. I could've been a mom and should've been a mom earlier, according to "my plan".  
I felt guilty for being sad and for shedding tears over their happiness.  I remember when one of my very best friends called me to tell me she was pregnant, she was the last one of our friends besides me to have child.  When she told me I started crying, I couldn't help it.  She was so kind and so understanding and she cried with me.  She said "Katie, it will happen for you too, I just know it.  You just have to get to a place in your life where you can make it happen".  And for as much as I didn't want to admit it, she was right.  I now know that place I needed to be, was with God in the drivers seat.  A place where I was not longer controlling my destiny or letting some other man control it either.  I would give it up to God.  
I credit God for getting me through all of those moments.  They gave me amazing memories and bonds with my friends and their kids that I am so grateful for today.  I have the most amazing people to turn to for advice and support and for that I am so blessed.  That was "Grace" and that was God.   I wasn't even close to being aware of it at the time.  

I received my first Mother's Day gift today!   Handmade cards and pictures.  What is it about these homemade presents from a 6 year old that can bring you to tears in an instant?   They were both so proud to give them to me today.  Here is a small sample of each of them.  My heart be still…..

(Notice the weight, age and favorite drink……oops:)

This picture below is my favorite though.   The fact that their favorite thing about me is that they know I love them.  This is a picture of me putting Jake to bed.  We go through a routine every night of reading a book, prayers and thanks to God, and lots and lots of kisses and I love you's.  Trust me, there are nights when the last thing I want to do is read to them.  On the days I work its even harder.  But it's so important.  Working and being a mom can be so tiring.  
Our motto in our home is "I love you more".  Sometimes bedtime gets delayed because "I love you more" goes back and forth 10 times. Sometimes the kids take it to the level of "I love you trillion times up to heaven and back".  Its my favorite part of the day.  
Children should never have to question if they are loved.  They should know without doubt how loved and supported they are.  I want them to always feel safe, and I know they do.  Its my soul purpose as a mom to raise them in a house filled with love.  
Even on our hardest day.

So today Im thankful that I can celebrate Mother's Day weekend with my new family, my children!  Who knew that a weekend filled with sports, church, family breakfasts and dinners and snuggles on the couch could be so fun! ??  Today two little boys call me MOM. I never knew this life could be so fulfilling and special?   

  So CHEERS to all my amazing mom friends who are on this journey with me. To those I have known for years and those who I have never met,  I am so thankful for all of you.  Thank you for helping me learn the ropes of this mom thing,  for all the support, advice and encouragement and most of all for listening to my story.  You are loved and appreciated more than you know, moms.  I now agree that this is the hardest, yet most rewarding job we will ever have in our lifetime.  

If I have any advice I can give now that I'm a mom, just make sure to find time for yourself and your husband. Its necessary for your own health and the health of your marriage.  It will make you a better mom to your kids in the long run!  Trust me on this:)

God bless you all and Happy Mother's day!