A special birthday celebration…..

Grief…..it holds no boundaries.  There are no rules, no time limits, no judgments.  It is real and it is hard.  Losing a child, losing a spouse, losing a parent or a sister.  It is the one part of life that is constant and guaranteed, but I am learning that everyone grieves on their own conditions and with their own perimeters... on their own time.

This past Saturday was not only a part of memorial weekend, but it would have been Erika's 43rd birthday.  We knew that we were going to do something to celebrate her life with the boys, but we didn't have a plan. 
She was adopted from South Korea as a little girl.  She was abandoned on a doorstep.  
She was adopted by Mary and Jeff and was raised in a loving family in Alexandria, Mn.  She went on to be a successful student, physician's assistant, wife and mother.  She was a fighter from day one, and for that,  her life, (even though it was cut short) needs to be celebrated and remembered.

Sam and I had a feeling on Friday night that Erika's mom was struggling.  She missed her daughter, and she missed her grand babies. The boys had moved away from Alexandria a few years ago, and they don't get to see them as much as they used to.   The pain felt from the loss of their daughter, felt as real and raw today as it did three years ago.  Erika's parents, and her family wouldn't be able to celebrate her life WITH her ever again, but why couldn't we celebrate the woman she was anyway?   
So we had a last minute plan.  We packed our bags and our car and headed on 94 to Alexandria to surprise Mary (Erika's mom). With the help of Erika's dad, Jeff, we pulled it off.  What joy we saw in her eyes when she saw us(especially Ben and Jake).  I realize that those are the things that make grief tolerable.  They make that pain of loss just a little more bearable. Just when she thought that she and Jeff were alone and no one else felt the pain they were feeling (even if its been 3 years), we did.   Seeing Erika's two little boys, who hold parts of her, comforts what can no longer be seen in her physical body.  How beautiful, amazing and precious those little guys are to all who loved Erika.  

Before we left our house, the boys made homemade cards and we planned to buy balloons to release into heaven.  Ben and Jake meticulously wrote out wishes, and drew pictures in hopes that these letters would make it all the way to heaven and Erika would receive them.  Ben kept repeating "I just can't stop thinking about her on her birthday". "I miss her".   And that is a good thing.  It gives us time to talk about her.  She would be so proud that they are learning to read, write, color, spell.  She would be so glad that they are excited to keep her alive in this house, and we are too.

We purchased balloons that they could let go of at the grave.

And when we got to the grave, the rain was coming down.  It was symbolic in many ways.  Tears of sadness of a life cut short by an aggressive cancer that is still taking the lives of so many today.  A cancer that has a disappointing 25% survival rate. A reason that our work in fighting to find a cure for this disease isn't over.  A headstone with picture on it of a beautiful family torn apart by the violence of this awful disease.  And two little boys who look to a headstone, in a cemetery to find their mom.  To find some sort of comfort.  They look to the sky, hoping that the balloons that they release will make it to her.  That she will be happy and proud of them.

I gave them a moment to be a alone with her, and their thoughts.  I sat in the car just looking on.  There really are no words that can explain a little boy squatting next to his mom's grave on a rainy day…….a day that she would've turned 43 years young. Its sad and its wrong on so many levels. 

  Its a weird place to be in when you are looking out of a rainy car door window at YOUR future, grieving THEIR past. To look at a headstone that has my husband's name on it Oct 20, 1970-, where he is supposed to be buried by his first wife when he dies.  So many emotions, so many thoughts. 

 I pray about it, and I prayed about it on my run that morning before we left.  I was asking God to give me courage to let my new family and my loving husband celebrate the amazing mom and  wife she was.  Praying to God for an unselfish and giving heart.  Praying for the Lord to support me as I walk this journey with them throughout the years.  That these hard days are part of the process of "loving her family".  The hardest part of marrying a widowed man and being the mom to children of a deceased mom.  I was asking God for help to honor her and let them continue to love her,  knowing that it has no reflections on the feelings they have towards me.  I give God all the credit and praise for my strength in this situation.  Because she deserves to be remembered and celebrated.  She is the reason Sam knows how to unconditionally love with patience and understanding.  She is the reason I get to be a mom, and love two little boys.  

After the cemetery we ate cake, looked at old pictures and we listened to stories and conversed about her.  We didn't cry, we laughed.  Because we all know that for as hard as this is and has been for her family, we believe in a heaven and we believe in Jesus Christ.  We know that she is free of pain, and free of troubles.  That gives her family comfort.  We will keep honoring her and her memory. She is the woman who gave birth to Ben and Jake and fought like hell to be around to watch them grow up.  

Saturday was a special day in many ways.  When we left Alexandria, we know that life will move on until the next hard day.  That is how grief works.  And it may get easier over time, and it may not.  But we will continue to fight for her. We will continue to work to find and fund a cure for the cancer that killed her.  We will honor her in the boys lives.  With the help of amazing people in our lives and Jesus, we will move forward.  She would want that for her family.  I know that in my heart.

With Love,

Katie