One week from tomorrow I get to marry my best friend and the love of my life. I thank God for him everyday. I thank God that he loves all my imperfections and that he accepts me for who I am. 

Today I found myself praying, thanking the Lord for this home that is filled with so much warmth and love.  For finding someone who makes me feel so safe and so loved.  I haven't been married before, I never had a home i called my own and never had children. I  thought I was going to be the "always a bridesmaid...never a bride girl". But as God and maybe a little luck would have it, Prince Charming was placed in my lap.   
He was broken, I was broken.  As as the song by Casting Crowns goes, "Broken Together" was how I described us when we first started talking.  And we were friends far before we were anything else.  Some days I call him my soul mate.  Ive never met someone who I "fit" with more than I "fit" with him. 

Because this love story has been built around tragedy I know that I won't be the only woman he thinks about on our wedding day. I'm fully aware that when Sam wakes up next Saturday he will be excited that he's marrying me, but his heart may also bear some heaviness. He will probably be thinking of this day below, too.  He might remember how she looked, words or kisses exchanged.  How truly happy he was.

How on that day 12 years ago, he thought he was going to grow old with her.  Have a family, get wrinkly and grey together. Maybe retire and travel the world.

 Never did he imagine having to bury her at the young age of 39.  

He actually might wake up feeling guilty for being happy and for finding love again.  And Im fully aware that if this happens my heart will be secure enough in the love he has for me, that I can carry him through it.  That God will carry him through.  

My prayer for this amazing, kind, generous and loyal man, is that he can find peace in our day and embrace it knowing a few really important things…….

That he loved her and that the promises he made on THEIR wedding day were upheld completely.  He loved her, cherished her, and "chose" her, "In sickness and health and until death due us part".  He honored her as a wife and the mother of his kids.  He put her first after God and he followed through with his word and his promises. 

He honored that……and It's part of the reason I fell in love with him. 

Last month Monty Williams, assistant head coach of the Oklahoma City Thunder NBA team spoke at his wife's funeral.  She was killed tragically in a head on collision by a distracted driver at the age of 44, leaving behind 4 or 5 kids.  His eulogy included speaking about how "things will always work out when God is involved".  How "Jesus heals hearts and God causes all things to work out", "no matter how tough things may seem or how much pain will be involved initially".  

Sam never thought he could love again, and I see his smile slowly coming back over time. By leaning on God, things eventually did work out.  He found his smile again. He fell in love again.  He didn't laugh much or joke much when I met him.  He laughs now, he jokes again.  I pray that he knows that Erika would've wanted him to smile again, and laugh again.  He deserves that and so do his kids.  

So next week I ask that you keep us both in your thoughts and prayers and we embark on this amazing journey of a new marriage and family.  I ask that God will bless us as husband and wife and as parents. That I will always be able to keep Erika's memory alive in this house and that the boys grow up knowing that they have two moms that loved them.  

Because through God, all things DO work out and WILL work out.  We just need to believe and trust.  

Happy Easter and God bless you all!

Katie

Raising someone else's children has come with amazing blessings as well as challenges. On so many days I wonder what she would have done in certain situations and how she would've handled things. I feel guilty on my worse days because I know how hard she fought to be their mommy. 

They tried for 4 years to have these boys. She always knew she wanted to be a wife and a mom. It was her calling and purpose.  I love the pic below of her babymoon. She was glowing. Carrying two healthy little boys and she was about to have her dream come true. 

 Just a short two years after they were born she was diagnosed with cancer. You could say that life is not fair.....Mom's aren't supposed to get sick, right?  But unfortunately cancer doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care about your loving husband, or your 2 year old twin boys at home who need you.  It didnt care that she was a doctor who dedicated her life to helping others. She was in for the battle of her life. She was a follower of Christ. She believed that she could be healed.... And ideally she was. Cancer didn't kill her. 

She spent months at home, celebrating another wedding anniversary and the boys 3rd bday.  She was able to open presents with them, blow out candles and play games. 

What an amazing blessing those few months were. 

Quick education on leukemia and blood cancers. Many people require a bone marrow transplant after chemotherapy.  This wipes out the immune system, making one physically weak and susceptible to illness. And this is what happened to her. She was having trouble breathing in November of 2012, just months after she was considered "cured". Never thinking she was going to die, she was hospitalized around Thanksgiving and placed on a ventilator shortly after arriving to the U of Mn medical center.  This time she had pneumonia. It was coming with a vengeance and she wasn't strong enough to fight it this time. 

I could tell you that raising her children is no different than adoption, but that wouldn't be accurate. When someone dies, there will always be questions. And for two little boys who are confused and just want their mom back, some can be harder than others. 

In the last year I spend time answering questions I didn't know the answer to. Around Halloween Ben asked, "Katie, you know those skeletons outside of graves in people's yards,  Is that what my mom looks like"?  "Why can't we drive to heaven or take a rocket ship there"?  "What is heaven really like"? "Why can't we just visit"?  "My mom looks like Mulan, can we go to Disney world and see Mulan"?  

How do you answer questions that even we, people of Christ and grown adults, don't have the answers to. 
I've tried to get children's books about heaven. We have a great one that we read from time to time. I know that it's not necessarily a true account of what heaven really is, but the boys love it. It makes it look like where their mom lives is magical. And I believe it really is. 

Sometimes at bed time we talk about how smart mommy was, or how much she fought to live for them. How much Jake looks like her and how Ben has her beautiful hair.  Ben talks about a little girl, Annabella in his kindergarten class, who he has a crush on.  She looks "exactly like mommy did" when she was little.

Sometimes on my bad days where insecurity gets the best of me I'm reminded that I'm doing the best I can. And that I although I'm not her, I'm me. And I have things to offer the kids that compliment her love for them. We were different women.  And the boys both got some of the best of her, and i will instill in them the best of me. Raising these boys is teaching me patience, unconditional love, strength, humility, how to laugh, how to pray and heck I'm even learning math all over again.  

So for today I will remind myself of one of my favorite bible passages. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. But in all ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths".  Proverbs 3:5-6

Thank you Jesus for this amazing life and these amazing people. I don't take this life for granted. Not for one second. 

Until next time, 

Katie